Have you ever felt like who am I and what direction am I headed? At this very moment I feel like what is my next step? We all have a phase or two in our lives where we feel like we are going in circles. Most people experience this phase during their Freshman year of college or one of potential many midlife crises.  I am not sure if it’s this pandemic picking at my sanity, my 30th birthday that just passed or all the unexpected BS we have been dealing with. Whatever it is, I don’t appreciate this.

We think we are doing a decent job at maintaining good mental health. We journal, read, and pray daily, I know God is probably tired of us at this point. We even incorporated yoga into our routine before workouts. After all that we still struggle.

I rarely watch the news for the simple fact no one has honest answers. In my opinion no one is sure about who, what, when, why or how in reference to COVID-19. I’ve had a few instances where I pull up to a store, park, and pull off because the thought of being around people is terrifying. Although I try, I was never a real people person but my goodness this is taking isolation to another level which is not health for anyone’s mental state.

On top of feeling like the world is coming to an end, lets add self-identity issues into the equation. Yesterday after attempting to update my resume and cover letter for a new position I was interested in, I hit a wall. While I was trying to sell myself in my cover letter, I began to draw a blank. I began questioning myself as well as my abilities. We tend to overthink and doubt things about ourselves that we know are facts.

You know that you are a great, organized, detail-orientated, reliable person yet you second guess yourself in random moments.  After watching last week’s episode of the HBO original series Insecure, I realized that the main character Issa related to myself and other women just like me.

After months of preparation she successfully conducts a block party for her community which incorporated black businesses of all kinds. Even after much success she was ultimately left feeling like a train wreck. The scene after Issa and Molly’s big explosion which lead her to her mother’s house really hit home for me. “I just don’t know what I am supposed to do next.”  Growing pains is what her mother called the season of Issa’s life.

We at times feel like we are all over the place and trying to put our hands in too many things. In some areas of our lives we want to be placed in category and in others areas we love freedom. Although we are progressing in life, we still feel confused and don’t notice that we are growing. The feeling is unpleasant for sure but what is most unpleasant is the unknown of what is happening within ourselves. Which leads me back to my original question, what is my next step? If you are asking yourself the same question, just know you are not alone.

Normally I have an encouraging conclusion that ties my writing together. This time I want us to come to a mutual conclusion together.

Here are a few books that I have either started to read or heard great reviews about and plan to read, in connection to finding yourself.

Be Unapologically You: A Self Love Guide: Adeline Bird

Unlearn: 101 Simple Truths for a Better Life: Humble the Poet

Rooted: Banning Liebscher

Unf**k Yourself: Gary John Bishop

I truly hope this helps someone.


Domonique Russell

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